My High School-College Friendship Frustration

Nonfiction by | March 31, 2013

It’s that time again: that time when I try my best to just close my eyes and drift off into the emptiness of oblivion. Somehow, I cannot manage it. The days now seem to pass by much quicker than I want them to. My time in high school is about to end and honestly, I don’t know what to feel anymore.

When I’m at school, I am overwhelmed by my emotions and I feel like screaming all the time. I’m like a volcano, brimming with molten lava, just waiting to explode.

I often get lonely in my confusion. I then try to think of college and the new life that awaits me there. I have built up this illusion that my life would be better once I get there. I’ll have freedom, independence, and girls. But I cannot escape the fact that my high school friends are not going to be there with me.

They keep on saying that they will visit me but I have my doubts. And I know it will not be the same as before.

With all these feelings I keep bottled up inside of me, I feel unstable… wrong-footed somehow. I feel like crying most of the time. Each time I see my friends’ faces, I am overwhelmed with pain: that deep kind of ache that comes from imagining a life without them. In turn, that makes me afraid.

Sometimes, I think it would be better if I keep my distance from my friends from now on. Maybe, this will make the pain more bearable when we take different paths after graduation. For some people, this might be sheer foolishness, like tackling the question, “Why would you keep on breathing if you know you’re gonna die anyway?”

I can’t help but ask: is it really wrong to feel this way?

Maybe, or maybe not. But this is how I feel, and I’m just trying my best to express it. I know some people will never understand me. Sometimes, I get angry at myself for even thinking about such things.

I know that I will probably have new friends in college, but they will never replace my high school pals. Maybe I am too emotional over this. Maybe I’m just too bitter and confused about my situation. At the very least, I’ve let my words out. I’m not gonna erupt. Yet.

* Jade Monteverde Baylon is graduating from Digos City National High School this year. He is a member of the Special Program in the Arts, under Creative Writing in English.