A wounded soul in a black dress
walks the night alone.
The smell of vodka and nicotine in her mouth
and her face a picture of a broken heart.
The city is like a portrait of her
and her past love – a broken promise
hanging on the wall of her memory,
a treasure she guards with tears.

Every place in the city sends back photographs:
Tequila Saturday smiles,
conversations over coffee,
a lip-kiss sorry,
her fingers intertwined in his,
eyes fixed on each other,

not caring about tomorrow.

Every road she walks brings back images
that she doesn’t want to remember:
flashing city lights,
spaces under street lights,
long public benches,
and the same familiar voice

resonating inside her.

She doesn’t know where to go, but she’s not lost.
She is in a trap, but she enjoys being inside it.
She just walks the city each night, leaving behind

a trail of white smoke and gray ashes.

—-
Markus de Dai was born in Pasig City but studied AB-Mass Communication in Holy Cross of Davao College.

But the needle was sharp
when held to the light.
And the thread could not mend
where the words have been.
A wrong stab then a drop,
her kiss on the center of the cloth.

She took back thread, needle, and pattern.
A grim look and a dark patch
beside the hand going down and up.
The pieces still pieces,
never forming the whole
though she tied them tightly.

But the pattern is back,
I see it, I told her.
She led me, my hand inside hers
into the center, start then end.
Held in the light, the pattern ate up
my words, my thoughts.

—-
RedRose Serrano was born in Davao City. She is currently taking up BS Computer Science in UP Mindanao.

I stared at his hardbound book with lots of circles on the cover. The kind of circles that would make anyone dizzy. And I thought of a nice, momentous remark to topple such bold information but I couldn’t think of anything sensible to say. Lots of questions hovered over my head. How many of the guys out there would care about Santa’s reindeer? Why are we talking about reindeer when we’re supposed to discuss the Chem problems? And we didn’t discuss probability in any of our classes and Christmas was not fast-approaching either. Left with no recourse but to praise the guy, I told him, Well, that’s nice! and he stared at me – a demeaning stare – and arched his left eyebrow at those three pathetic words, before he said, Aren’t you interested? That there could be lots of combinations out of nine reindeer? And I shrugged my shoulders because I wasn’t interested in the first place and it really pissed me off because I didn’t want to discuss anything that he likes: the probability problems, the heavenly bodies, or even the city capitals. Yesterday he was bragging about probability that involved the words ‘dice’ and ‘dots’. Totally boring. I just wanted to get on with our work, and I thought I was the most unfortunate creature in our Chemistry class to pair up with the guy I loved and hated at the same time.

Of course, really, I am, I mumbled a lame reply which I regretted a moment after because I felt like an idiot. That sort of consoled him at least because he was enthusiastic again; he went on to tell me about the first possible position for these reindeer. At the back of my mind I was thinking if he’s planning to share the other 40,319 ways to arrange these reindeer – because Peter, I wanted to tell him, I wasn’t stupid not to know that is really going to take you a long time and our Chemistry homework was much much more worthy to deal with than those reindeer. So before he could even finish the first explanation I reminded him of the real agenda for today. Pete – uhmm – about the Chem homework – I began to say but before I could even explain the whole thing he burst with Oh yeah, I forgot! without any hint of apology and I couldn’t help but roll my eyes when he wasn’t looking. But anyway, it’s still about the probability right? he butted in, trying to make up a nice defense for his esoteric digression a moment ago. I tried to concentrate on looking at Isaac Newton’s portrait smiling sheepishly at me than listen to his digressions. Weird, but since when did staring at Newton’s face become more indulgent than talking to him?

Yeah, yeah, I told him. I told him that because I was tired and I didn’t want to talk to him about the probability problems. He smelled really nice. It reminded me of the Axe commercial, or that American model of Hugo Boss. And for a geek like him, it was both amusing and surprising.

I looked at him as he was rummaging for something inside his old Kamaru jampacked with high school books and notebooks. I was not sure if I saw a Batman pencil case because at that moment he suddenly turned to me and asked Did you bring our lab notebook? And I began to putter because I didn’t. I didn’t bring with me that notebook which Peter had covered in the required red art paper. I feigned a confused look. Oh, I think I left it at home. For a moment I thought he was going to get irritated at me but he rummaged in his heavy backpack again and took out an extra notebook. Here, he said. Let’s use this for the meantime.

So we started answering some of the given questions. It was already nine in the morning and most of my classmates were discussing their projects. Lisa, a close friend of mine, was paired with Jose – probably the dumbest creature in class. It must have been my imagination, but Lisa seemed to stare at me with mingled helplessness and envy. Herchel, another friend of mine, was paired up with the campus crush Anthony who had once burned a part of her hair accidentally with a Bunsen burner. Perhaps I was fortunate in a way that I got Peter for a partner, the impressive geek who could amazingly recite from memory the periodic table of elements. I was not good in Chemistry so somehow I’m embarrassed by this stroke of luck. I’m only good in baking class because we ran a bakeshop store and I thought that was enough because I was not planning to become a chemist anyway. I wanted to be a chef.

We are completely different from each other. And by the way I like Peter minus the geeky part in him so it became really complicated. But I didn’t know if it occurred to his mind that every time we would have to postpone to the next time the discussion of our impending group report – the only thing that connected us – I wanted to smash the clock for ticking so fast.

It’s a Chemistry homework, but actually it’s more of a statistical problem. Our Chemistry teacher was on leave for two weeks and our temporary instructor was a half-Japanese man in his early 30s who taught Statistics to the seniors. The first week was a fiasco: Takano-sensei prefers dictation; if he says mo-ra-ri-ty, we couldn’t distinguish if that was a ‘molality’ or ‘molarity’. And when ‘one more’ was actually ‘one mole’ it made the difference. Sometimes the whole class snickered every time Takano-sensei decided to write the word on the blackboard to sort the cloud of confusion and ridicule inside the class. And I knew that he knew we were having too much fun during his Chemistry classes. Thank God spelling was invented, we would say.

So I had this idea that this homework was our teacher’s way of regaining his pride and coming up with revenge. But it didn’t come as a surprise to Peter who was comfortably lodged in his seat. Wandering between two realms of chemistry and probability. He seemed to be drowning in fervent interest – I could see his eyeballs flickering in excitement when Takano-sensei first distributed the group’s homework. If I could smash his head open I might be able to see neurons all flaring up.

It says here describe Statistics, Peter said as he was pointing at the item number one. I fumbled for my pocket dictionary and looked for the word. The science of collecting, organizing and applying statistics, I told him and he narrowed his eyes. Applying statistics? he asked with a quick sideways look. I nodded at him. The word ‘statistics’ shouldn’t be in the definition itself, he said, stroking his chin as if he was fondling an imaginary goatee.

Well it wasn’t my fault, that’s what the dictionary said, I muttered.

Don’t use the dictionary, it tends to simplify things, he said, fixing his eyes back at the questionnaire.

Which is what we need at the moment.

What? he said, straightening up and scratching the hair at the back of his neck.

To simplify things. I told him, and he looked up at me and then back at the paper. In the end we ended up with that definition. At first, I was conscience-stricken. Who was I to counter a geek?

The rest of the questions required a more complicated mathematical solution. Takano-sensei must have held a terrible grudge against us.

[A student has 5 shirts, 4 pairs of pants, 3 pairs of shoes, and 5 pairs of socks. In how many ways can a student go to school using a shirt, a pair of pants, shoes and socks?]

Methods in counting, he said with excitement.

A what? How did you know about that? I asked him, trying to stifle the sudden fascination that I suddenly have for him. He told me his brother had once told him about it. He said, It’s necessary in chemistry because sometimes you do possible combinations on chemicals. Then he dictated how to go on with the solution so that I would know how it works.

No, it should be a bracket here, not an open parenthesis, he says as he was pointing to the next item solution.

Oh really. I grunted. I crossed out the open parenthesis and replaced it with a bracket. He was eyeing my paper for more possible errors that he might have overlooked.

Yeah, in Math it’s different.

So where was I exactly?

We continued solving that part for the rest of the afternoon. It was already 5:30 and most of my classmates had gone home. Let’s finish the last question, he said, straightening his back. And then we could do the atom homework tomorrow.

I read the last question. What is the best way to present the data?

What do you think?

I don’t know. It depends. I pouted my lips to concentrate.

Well, just choose one then, he said. Dusk was slowly gaining ground outside the chemistry lab. The sky was in violet and orange hues.

I scratched my head. I couldn’t choose. How many types of presentations are there?

Three, he said. Textual, graphical, and tabular.

Well then you choose.

Let’s analyze then.

So we analyzed the three characteristics. I saw his forehead wrinkled with his own thoughts. I could see the pores on his face. I’d say graphical, I told him without any reason in mind, wishing that I might be able to smooth out the creases on his forehead.

He nodded before he said, Me, too. Textual is too wordy. And tabular – well, that involves large numbers. I think it’s graphical, he said with utmost confidence. Because relationships between variables can be clearly seen when you graph it, he added.

Oh. I looked up at him. His eyes are pitch black, tunnel like. I like that. That was all I managed to say.

How could I think of chemical bonding, protons and electrons at a time like this? Peter was in front of me, smelling like soap and sometimes smiling at me. Which was freaky because I couldn’t find any reason at all. It was already five in the afternoon, and he was still wearing his basketball shoes after his regular play-offs with the team. Oftentimes, I glanced at him and he would ask me if I understood his explanations. Oh yes, the protons – the positively charged atoms and electrons, the negatively charged ones. They stick. They should. Do they? I’m not sure.

Finally, we went on experimenting about theoretical yields. We were sitting in front of each other, elbows dangling over the ridges of the tiled table, observing the boiling flask changing colors from yellow to red. The color reminded me of a summer’s burst, the color of summer’s first sun that scourged all the garden plants of my mama. The color was as vibrant as my papa’s beer turning flaming red on his cheeks at night when he was drunk.

The bubbles swirled inside the Erlenmeyer flask. And it made me wonder how the scientists were able to see the principles underlying them. Peter was writing his own observation about the chemical reactions, indulged with his own scientific trails of thought. So I thought of the probabilities that might arise after this report. If he would undergo any change as much as the atoms here have undergone. If we would stick with each other after all of these are over: become good friends or end up together. If there are probabilities of illicit affairs, probabilities of having geeks for children or probabilities of ending with a failed marriage because we both came from generations of failed ones. Or whether we’d end up as casual friends – the scientific way – that we were just high school classmates who shared the same report about things that may occur in chemicals and people, but will never occur to us. One or the other wouldn’t stick around. Results may vary when both Science and Math go hand in hand with our life’s processes in the event of trying to blend with the roughness of our lives’ daily routines. I wasn’t sure if our own common sense would matter in the end. I knew for sure early hominids didn’t solve for frequency distribution or probability combinations to come up with their own tools and to make their civilization sustainable. And they didn’t care about the reindeer either. Did they?

And Peter wouldn’t think of protons and electrons undergoing changes for the rest of his life. But I thought about lots of probabilities after our meeting. And I thought That was enough for me.

—-
Khareen Culajara is graduating this semester from the Creative Writing program of UP Mindanao.

Ang simula’y malabo pa. Pasukan noon at nasa ika-apat na taon na ng kolehiyo si Nico. Isa siya sa Top Three ng buong paaralan nila. Mahilig siyang kumanta at tumugtog. Sa katunayan, siya ang pinakamagaling tumugtog ng gitara sa buong kampus nila. Siya rin ang may pinakamagandang boses sa mga lalaki. Ngunit pagdating sa pag-ibig ay mahina si Nico.

Noon pa ma’y wala talaga siyang natitipuhang babae. Sabi pa nga ng isang kaibigan niya, “Nico, magbago ka na nga. Manligaw ka na. Huwag kang mag-alala, sa gwapo mong iyan siguradong makakarami ka na.” “Pero wala naman akong gustong ligawan eh,” sagot naman ni Nico. Pinipilit talaga siya ng mga kaibigan niya na manligaw na, para naman daw di masayang ang kagwapuhan pero ayaw pa rin ni Nico. Naniniwala kasi siyang darating din ang araw na may magugustuhan siyang babae, at ang babaeng iyon lang ang mamahalin niya habang buhay.

Nagkatotoo nga ang paniniwala ni Nico. Dumating talaga ang araw na iyon. At iyon ay ang unang araw ng pasukan. Pagpasok niya sa kampus, nalaman niyang may bago silang kaklase. Isang nag-ngangalang Alec. Ang akala niya’y lalaki si Alec, kaya laking gulat niya nang makitang si Alec pala ay isang babae. Ang totoo niyang pangalan ay Alexis Andrea Jane Gonzales. Alec lang daw ang gusto niyang itawag nila sa kanya.

Sa sandaling iyon ay tila nabaliktad ang mundo ni Nico. Noong malungkot ay naging masaya, noong walang kulay ay naging matingkad ang kulay. Unang tingin pa lang niya kay Alec, nabighani na siya sa kagandahan nito. Alam niyang si Alec na ang babae para sa kanya. Si Alec na ang babaeng matagal niya nang hinahanap.

Sa loob ng isang buwan, wala siyang ibang ginawa kundi kunin ang atensyon ni Alec. Ngunit hindi pa rin siya pinapansin nito. Kahit ano mang matino ang kanyang gawin. Kaya naisipan niyang kulitin si Alec upang papansinin talaga siya nito.

Nagtagumpay nga si Nico. Pinansin talaga siya ni Alec. Pero dahil kinukulit niya ito, kinamumuhian na tuloy siya nito. Isang araw, umaapaw na ang galit ni Alec kay Nico kaya hindi niya mapigilang mapagsabihan si Nico. “Ano ka ba talaga? Ano bang problema mo? Bakit ba palagi mo na lang akong kinukulit? Sira ka ba? Sa dami ng mga tao dito, bakit ako pa ang pinili mong kulitin? Tigilan mo na nga ako. Hindi ka nakakatawa.”

Simula noo’y mas iniiwasan pa ni Alec si Nico. Bihira na talaga silang magkita. Sa tuwing mag-abot man ang landas nila’y tatalikud si Alec at pupunta sa ibang direksyon. Malungkot na malungkot talaga si Nico. Nagsisisi siya na ganoon ang paraang pinili niya upang makuha lamang ang atensyon ni Alec. Ngunit hindi pa rin siya sumusuko. Alam niyang si Alec talaga ang babaeng itinadhana sa kanya.

Ilang buwan na rin ang nakalipas at Semestral Break na nila. Pupunta si Nico sa isang Discipleship Training sa loob ng isang linggo. Malungkot siya dahil hindi niya makikita si Alec. Lingid sa kaalaman ni Nico na pupunta din pala si Alec doon. Kaya’t laking gulat niya nang makita niya si Alec doon. Ubod ng saya ni Nico na makakasama niya pala sa Alec sa maikli nilang bakasyon. Lalo pang nadagdagan ang kanyang kasiyahan nang malaman niyang si Alec ang magiging partner niya sa buong Training nila at sa Talent Night, na magaganap sa huling gabi ng Training nila.

Dahil doon ay naging malapit na sila sa isa’t- isa. Hindi na kinamumuhian ni Alec si Nico. Sa loob lamang ng isang linggo’y naging malapit na silang magkaibigan. Lalong-lalo na noong Talent Night na nila. Sa simula’y napansin ni Nico na sa tuwing nag-eensayo sila ni Alec para sa Talent Night, ay nananahimik lang si Alec. “Nahihiya kasi akong kumanta kung kaunti lang ang makikinig at manonood.” rason pa ni Alec. “Kakaiba ka rin ano? Hindi ba dapat mas mahihiya ka kung marami ang makikinig sa iyo?” tanong naman ni Nico. “Kapag kaunti kasi ang mga tao, mas nakikita ko ang reaksyon ng mga mukha nila. Kapag marami naman, hindi ko na napapansin. Kaya mas gusto ko kung marami ang makikinig, mas nababawasan ang aking tensyon.” paliwanag ni Alec habang naka-ngiti.

“Wow!” iyon ang bukambibig nga mga tao noong narinig nilang kumanta si Alec. Halos mahulog na nga si Nico sa kanyang kinauupuan, dulot ng pagkamangha niya sa mala-anghel na boses ni Alec. Mabuti nga’t hindi nawala sa pagtutugtog ng gitara si Nico habang kumakanta si Alec. Namangha talaga silang lahat kay Alec. Hindi nila inaasahang ganoon pala ka-ganda ang boses ni Alec. Kaya’t hindi maiwasang mapa-ibig pa ng husto si Nico kay Alec.

“Grabe, ang galling mong kumanta. Sa susunod huwag ka nang mahiya dahil napakagaling mo namang kumanta, eh.” puri ni Nico kay Alec. “Hindi kaya. Salamat sa iyong pagpupuri, pero hindi naman ako karapat-dapat na purihin, noh?” nahihiyang sagot ni Alec sabay tingin sa malayo. “Magiging magkaibigan pa rin ba tayo pagbalik ng pasukan? Tanong ni Nico. “Syempre naman. Hindi na magbabago iyon. Basta’t hanggang magkaibigan lang ha? Hanggang doon lang talaga. Hindi mo ako pwedeng mahalin at hindi rin kita pwedeng mahalin. Ayos ba?” sabay taas ng kanyang kanang kamay upang mangako. “Pangako?” muling tanong ni Alec nang hindi pa sumasagot si Nico. “Pangako.” sagot ni Nico kahit alam niyang noon pa ma’y mahal niya na si Alec. Pero pansamantalang nanahimik muna siya tungkol dito.

Mas lumalim pa nga ang relasyoon nilang dalawa, simula noong bumalik na ang pasukan. Mula pagpasok sa eskwela hanggang uwian ay halos hindi na sila mapaghiwalay. Sa nalalapit nilang Senior’s Ball naisipan ni Nico na si Alec ang gusto niyang makapares. “Alec, pwede bang ikaw ang magiging kapares ko sa Senior’s Ball?” tanong ni Nico noong inihatid niya si Alec sa bahay nila. “Walang problema. Mas mabuti ngang ikaw ang kapares ko para hindi ako mailang doon.” sang-ayon ni Alec, sabay ngiti. Masayang-masaya si Nico. Pinaplano niya rin kasing magtapat na kay Alec sa Senior’s Ball.

“Wow, ang ganda mo. Wala akong masabi.” Namamanghang papuri ni Nico nang makita niyang napakaganda ni Alec sa kanyang kasuotan. “Salamat. Ikaw rin naman, ang gwapo mo ngayon,” anya ni Alec, sabay ngiti. “Alec may ipagtatapat lang sana ako sa iyo. Huwag ka munang magsalita. Noon ko pa kasi ito itinatago. Simula pa lang noong unang araw ng pasukan. Tila ba, binigyan ako ng senyales na ikaw na nga ang babaeng matagal ko nang hinahanap. Patawad kung kinukulit kita noon. Sa ganoong paraan mo lang kasi ako pinapansin. Wala akong pakialam kung kamumuhian mo ako. Alam kong nangako ako sa iyo. Pero sadyang may sariling pag-iisip ang aking puso, hindi ko ito matuturuan. Isa pa, noong nangako ako sa iyo, huli na ang lahat. Mahal na kita, Alec. Mahal na mahal na kita, noon pa man.”

Nag-iinit na sa galit si Alec nang sinabi niya ito, “Anong klaseng kaibigan ka? Akala ko ba magiging tapat tayo sa isa’t-isa. Akala ko totoo ang lahat ng mga sinasabi mo. Sira ka nga siguro. Simpleng ‘hindi mo ako pwedeng mahalin’ na linya nga’y ‘di mo maiintindihan. Ayaw ko nang makita ang pagmumukha mo, Nico. Sinungaling ka. Sinabi ko namang ‘di mo ako pwedeng mahalin ‘di ba? Pinagsabihan na kita, hindi ka pa rin nakinig sa akin. Iyon naman ang nakabubuti sa iyo. Alam kong masasaktan ka lang. Alam kong masasayang lang ang oras mo kung ilalaan mo ito sa akin. Kinamumuhian kita Nico. Ayaw ko na si iyo.” Naglalakad na palayo si Alec habang sinisigaw ito ni Nico, “Bakit ba Alec? Bakit hindi pwede? Patawad na nga. Patawad. Pero, mahal talaga kita Alec. Mahal na mahal kita!”

Pagtalikod ni Alec kay Nico ay saka niya lang ibinuhos ang luhang naiipon sa mga mata niya. “Patawad Nico, pero ito ang nakabubuti sa iyo. Masasaktan ka lang kung malalaman mo ang katotohanan. Kung alam mo lang. Nico, mahal din kita. Mahal na mahal din kita. Ngunit may isang bagay lang na humahadlang sa ating pagmamahalan. Patawad Nico. Hindi ko naman ito ginusto. Paalam na Nico, aking mahal.” tahimik niya itong sinasabi habang siya’y papalayo na kay Nico.

Samantalang si Nico nama’y naguguluhan na. Nagtataka talaga siya kung bakit hindi niya pwedeng mahalin si Alec. Gusto niyang malaman ang katotohanan, kaya’t tumungo siya sa bahay nina Alec. Ngunit walang tao doon. Naisipan niyang maghintay na lang. Habang naghihintay siya’y umupo muna siya sa isang tabi.

Kinabukasan, nagising na lang si Nico sa tunog ng isang sasakyan. Dumating na ang ama ni Alec at nakita niyang naroroon si Nico sa may pintuan nila. Pinapasok niya muna si Nico at pinakain bago niya inamin ang katotohanan. “Alam mo kasi iho, malubha na ang karamdaman ni Alec noon pa man. Isang taon na nga lang daw ang estimasyon ng buhay niya, ayon sa kanyang mga doctor. Kaya naisipan naming ilipat siya ng eskwelahan para hindi siya gaanong masaktan at hindi rin masasaktan ang mga tao sa paligid niya. Ngunit ayon kay Alec, sa loob raw ng taong ito, nangyari ang lahat sa kanya. Nangyari ang pinakamasaya, pinakmalungkot at ang pinakamahalagang na bagay sa buong buhay niya. Dahil sa panahong ito lang siya nakadama ng totoong kasiyahan, pag-ibig na umaapaw at nasaktan din ng todo. Hindi naman namin inaasahang ito ang mangyayari. Patawad iho, sana’y noon mo pa nalaman ang tungkol dito,” paliwanag ng ama ni Alec habang tinitingnan si Nico na naguguluhan, nasasaktan at nagdadalamhati.

“Hindi ko alam. Wala akong kaalam-alam. Sa lahat ng panahong ito, tinatago niya pala iyon? Nalaman ko man lang sana upang may nagawa pa ako. Ngayon, huli na ang lahat. Wala na. Wala na siya.”

Napaluhod sa kaiiyak si Nico. Lumapit ang ama ni Alec kay Nico at niyakap siya ng mahigpit. Nag-iyakan silang dalawa hanggang sa natuyo na ang mga luha sa mga mata nila. Agad nagsalita ang ama ni Alec, “Ipinabibigay pala ito ni Alec sa iyo.” Sabay abot ng isang hugis pusong kahon kay Nico. “Pinupuno na iyan ni Alec simula pa lang noong naging malapit kayo sa isa’t-isa hanggang sa huling hininga niya. Ginawa niya iyan alang-alang sa iyo. Malaya kang gawin ang kahit ano diyan. Gusto niya ring ipaalam sa iyo na mahal ka rin niya. Mahal na mahal ka ng anak ko Nico.”

“…mahal ka rin niya…” ito ang laging nasa isip ni Nico mula noon. “Kay sarap sanang pakinggan kung si Alec mismo ang nagsabi sa akin noon.” Napapangiti na lang siya sa mga alaala nilang dalawa. Naaalala niya pa noong binuksan niya ang kahon na ibinigay ni Alec. Naroroon ang mga litrato nilang dalawa ni Alec, ang mga regalong naibigay niya kay Alec at ang isang libro na isinulat mismo ni Alec. Sa librong iyon nakasulat ang buong kwento ng buhay ni Alec simula noong unang araw na nakita niya si Nico hanggang sa huling hininga niya. Noon pa pala siya may gusto kay Nico, ngunit tinatago niya lang ito dahil alam niyang wala na siyang panahon para sa mga bagay na iyon. Alam niyang maikli na lang ang buhay nila. Ito lang ang nasabi ni Nico habang umiiyak na halong lungkot at ligaya ang nadarama, “Hinding-hindi ko talaga makakalimutan ang unang araw na Dumating ka sa buhay ko at ang huling araw na nawala ka sa piling ko. Mamahalin kita kahit wala ka na sa aking piling. Ikaw ang una at ang huling babae na iibigin ko sa habang buhay.”

—-
Genalin is a 2nd year BS in Computer Science student at UP Mindanao.

Habang kumukuha tayo
ng litrato ng mga mangingisdang
nasa balsa sumasagwan,
namimingwit, naglalambat,
nag-uunahan sa kuha,
hindi ko alintana
ang oras kahit
dapithapon na.

Habang nakaupo tayo
sa sementong bangko,
tabing dagat, pinag-uusapan
ang sarap ng kabataan,
nagkukuwentuhan kung
paano mo natamo
ang peklat sa iyong
kanang braso
at sinisisi iyon
sa pagiging payat mo,
at nagtatawanan sa suwerteng
napagdaanan natin
upang makarating rito,
‘di ko na pansin
ang kompetisyong nagdurugtong
sa ating mga ginagawa.

Isang elementaryang pulong
ng potograpiya
ang nag-ugnay sa ‘tin dito.
At dito ko nahinuha ang sarap
ng pagiging malaya,
ang kontensiyon ng kasiyahan
na roon ko unang nadama
habang kausap ka.
At alam ko
sa iyong mga nasabi
ang galak mo na ito
ang unang pagkakataong
pinayagan ka rin ng
iyong mga magulang
magbiyahe nang mag-isa.

Kinunan mo ang panorama
ng parke, tanawin ng mga batang
naglalaro sa dalampasigan,
naghahabulan at nagtatawanan.
Lantad rin ang iyong pagkahumaling
sa mga bulaklak
na nakapalibot sa parke,
pinakiusapan mo akong
humawak ng mga dahlia
para sa katapusan
iyong plano.
Hindi ko alam anong binabalak
mo sa mga oras na iyon
pero batid ko’y nais mong
ilarawan ang inosensiya
ng buhay.

At noong pagkakataon ko naman
na kumuha ng retrato,
isip ko’y nakasentro
sa simplisidad ng silakbo ng buhay -
mga mangingisda tinutulak
ang balsa, matapos paandarin
ang turbo, makarating sa gitna
ihahagis ang lambat
at hihilahin ang kuha,
babalik sa baybayin
at uuwi na sila.
Pero roon mo rin
nabanggit ang kahalagahan
na kunan silang lumalakad
sa ilalim ng sinag ng buwan
dala ang lambat at timba
pauwi, nakapaa sa malamig na buhagin.

Isang memoryang naiburda
sa aking isip.
Isang pagkakataong aking
ninais-nais balikan.
Hanggang sa ngayon,
kinakausap ang mga tala
na ika’y muling makita
sa porte ng Kiamba, Saranggi.

—-
Hannah Louise Enanoria is a third year AB Sociology student of Ateneo de Davao University.

In the summer of 1997, I applied for a job at the Department of Education in Agusan del Norte. After the competitive exam, the interviews, and the teaching demonstration, I emerged sixth among the more than two hundred applicants from the entire province.

Three months later, I still didn’t get a position while those who ranked lower than me had already been assigned as substitutes in our own town, Nasipit. My co-applicant, a neighbor of mine, said knowingly: “Bisan unsa pa ka kataas sa ranking ba ug wala’y lakas, ‘la man jud.” No matter how high you rank in the exam, if you don’t know anyone, it will all come to naught.

I was so frustrated and disappointed that I decided to go to Lanao del Norte to apply for the same job. There, at least, I had my mother’s friend to back me up. That gave me more confidence. I underwent the same screening and teaching demonstration in September 3, 1997, and looked forward to the assurance of a permanent posting the coming month to replace a retiring teacher.

The night after the screening, however, a note from the office of the Schools Division Superintendent of Agusan del Norte arrived. They asked me to report to the division. I was to be a substitute for one month. My co-applicants, however, had already been assigned as permanent teachers.

Less than six months later, in February 4, 1998, I was blessed to be appointed regular-permanent teacher. That blessing turned out to be mixed: I was caught between conflicting orders. The division order specified a school of assignment but the district supervisor detained me at the office to wait for a teacher from a very remote area to transfer to the nearer station; I would then assume in his post in the vacated school. It was very frustrating! I shed a cup of tears. I said to myself: “I’m happy that I’ve been appointed but I’m a victim of palakasan again!”

One day a memo from the Schools Division Superintendent to the district supervisors came: all newly hired teachers who had been assigned in their own districts would be reassigned to other districts. Reassignment would be based on the ranking, so all of us were moved back to Carment District. I would be stationed in the nearest school and the next in rank be assigned in the next school, and so on. It was really my time!

The joy of being a permanent teacher overwhelmed me. I performed well in the school where I was assigned. We participated in different activities and contests, and I became familiar to school heads. Six months after, my request to transfer from my station to my own town was granted. Two years after, my request for transfer from the Division of Agusan del Norte to the Division of Agusan del Sur was granted. That was January 17, 2000.

I realized that it was not really a palakasan system. I did not know anyone fron the division office. I understood that there were just reasons and considerations that the heads of offices take in choosing and hiring, and sometimes they become subjective. Ang buhay ay talagang weather-weather lang. But it doesn’t mean that one can sit and wait for prosperity to come. Instead, one has to do the best that one can so that when the time comes, one is ready. It will come in due time. It was really my time.

On the third year of my service in Agusan del Sur, the Schools Division Superintendent paid an on-the-spot visit. He found that there were no non-readers in my Grade 1 class of 45 pupils, none of whom had undergone pre-school education. A month after that visit, I was named Outstanding Grade 1 Teacher in the Division of Agusan del Sur by the Superintendent during the Teacher’s Congress of the provice on December 2003.

This little recognition and fame that I achieved as fruit of my endeavors served as channel of blessing between me, my work, and the persons from the higher office. There I say “It’s due time!” It’s really my time.

In October 2004, I requested a transfer from my remote station to the town proper of Bayugan. It was granted after a series of interviews and presentation of pertinent papers. In the present school where I am, in Bucac Elementary School, I still maintain the same work attitude I had in my first assignment. I established a pleasant relationship with my colleagues. I never said “no” to my superior when fored to do additional work, even though it cost me time, effort, and money at my own expense. Who knows? Another time, another opportunity comes, and life will change.

In May 2007, I reaped what I sowed when the new Superintendent chose me to attend seminars at the national level. I attended the seminar-workshop on Early Childhood Education at Philippine Normal University in Manila. In May 2009, I was again sent for a national level convention, the National Summit on Early Childhood Education in Baguio City, all at the agency’s expense. At present, I am one of the Agusan del Sur Provincial Scholars.

Around me, I hear some murmurs: “malakas siya, o duol sa luwag.” But looking at the past, considering those experiences I have had, now that I received this gift of time, could they still say that this is palakasan? Or is it really my time?

I strongly believe that one only need to do the best that one can to pave the way while waiting for the right time to come. If it comes, one is already fit for that chance. Then one can say that there is no palaksan, just that the due time has arrived.

—-
Maureen Ronquillo is a senior creative writing student at UP Mindanao.

your walls that surround me, bathed in her name,
engulfs me in pain and hatred.
i wish to unravel your mind,
for her name is not enough to make me bleed.

i’m thankful your room is your hell.
we can start afresh with my white-washed walls
that never witnessed any of your melancholy.
we can turn it into your heaven and paint
diamonds and Lucy’s kaleidoscopic eyes on the ceiling.

write, scribble your name on my walls.
and when you leave me,
i will taste the hell you have tasted
by sleeping with names
written by someone now a memory.

—-
Krizia Banosan Garcia graduated from DRANHS’ acceleration program called ALS, finishing elementary two years ago and high school last year.

Panaad kanako
nga sagupon ko nimo
ug padayunon sa gambalay
sa imong hunahuna
dayon sa kasingkasing
lahos sa imong kalag.

Panaad kanako
nga subayan ko nimo
sa dalan sa way sukod
ug samang kalipay
diin mawagtang ang
handumanan sa kagahapon
sa paghulat ug pagmahay.

Ayaw tuod ko pakyasa
diin kaniadto napakyas ko
kay ako nakahukom na
nga dugmukon ang talikala
sa akong kalibog
nga nagpitul sa akong
kagawasan.

Karon ako manaad usab
nga panggaon
ug amumahon ka sa labaw –
butang nga wa nako
nabuhat kaniya.

Dili ko mabasol
ang mga rosas nga
gibalibad ni Alyssa
nga maoy nagtukmod
kanako sa kahimtang
kung ang pinitik mao
nang imong gugma.

Alang kanila
dili man kini angay
apan maangay ra kini.
Salig lang kanako
ug diha usab kanimo
ug sa atong mga panaad

Manukad na ta
ug ipadayon
ang atong mga
panaad.

—-
JR Pascual studies in a business school in Mindanao.

—-
Jhunorjim Caumbo Zandueta is a Computer Engineering Student at ADDU.